The Unreality

Jess...

2009-03-04T07:20:27Z

I don't have it in me to write up about Jess again. I'm copying from LiveJournal.

The thing about Jess last night . . . her cousin left me a voice mail last night. And called me earlier. Jess died. Apparently she killed herself, or that's what I'm told. I didn't ask how. I don't want to know.

I guess in some ways, I pushed her too hard. You can't help people that don't want it. I've known that all along. But that doesn't make it my fault. By the looks of things, she would rather die than make an effort at getting better. That's her choice. I did what I could. What I saw as right.

The part of the story I do know:
She got out of jail and went to her parents somewhere in Wyoming. I'm not sure what she did after that. Apparently she was in rehab and seemed to be doing okay for the week or so that she was there. There were one or two different counties here that were going to go after her for outstanding warrants, I guess and a missed court date a few days back or something. This is just what I was told.

So . . . no more Jess . . . and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. We weren't on good terms, obviously. I mean, I turned her in for drugs . . . that would piss ANY addict off, would it not? And then there's me, who didn't want to be around her while she was using. We haven't exactly been close recently.

Jess . . . technically wasn't my girlfriend. The few times we talked about it, she said "it's not like that. Maybe in the future." We might as well have been together, though. Who knows . . . if things had been different . . . but they're not. I can and will accept that. Honestly, she wasn't the one I truly wanted to be with at this point to begin with.

So there was Derek. Then there was Jess. The pessimist in me sees a fucking pattern. And yet, there's a logical part of my brain and in my gut that is insisting that this concept is ridiculous . . . I'm going with my gut and HOPING that it's right. I can't stand to have this keep happening.

I liked Jess before she pulled her shit. I had some kind of feelings for her, obviously. I miss her. I can't say the word 'love' fits in here . . . but . . . I do miss her.

Despite this . . . something's telling me I am not NEARLY as torn up as I should be. Could be shock. Could be sleep deprivation. Could be the fact that she hurt me too deep for me to properly grieve. I don't know.

I'm sorry, Jess. It wasn't my place to help you. But in some ways, you did help me. I am grateful for that, even if I've just barely managed to forgive you.

In other news: I am applying for a job as a playground aide at the elementary school. My dad's sister was all "OH HAVE SHERYL ANNE APPLY FOR THE JOB SHE IS GOOD WITH KIDS". I'm not a big fan of them half the time, but I really do want this job . . . because I really do want to work with kids. When I admitted this to Vandy, she asked me if I wanted children (we talk about this periodically, but it's always a repeat conversation . . . I think we have too short of attention spans to pay attention to details). She never did answer me when I asked why she brought that up.

So . . . I have to bullshit my way through some essay-like questions on this online application. I'm really hoping I get this job. 4 hours a day isn't necessarily BAD and I'd get weekends off. And spring break. And the summer. It could work quite nicely if I budgeted myself right. And I want to eventually buy a car so my dad can teach me how to drive (his car is a piece of shit that I refuse to learn how to drive in). Then if I wanted to, I could drive to see Vandy. If I can do that before Vandy decides that she NEEDS to come up here . . . it'd take away some unneeded stress on her part.

And then I wouldn't have to worry about relying on my parents to take me everywhere. I wouldn't have to walk in cold-ass weather or blistering heat. I wouldn't be afraid of becoming entirely dependent on Vandy when the time comes for us to at least be roommates (that's been a plan of ours for a long time, now). I hate the concept of driving with a passion. But it's necessary, I suppose. I need to work at being more independent, so I will finish learning how to drive. And I will have my own car. Yes. That is the master plan.

Oddly enough, the MAIN motive behind the driving thing is so I can go visit Vandy if I want to . . . or at LEAST meet her halfway. That'd be nice. Crazy? Perhaps. Do I care? Not in the slightest.

uh huh . . .

2009-02-25T01:39:40Z

Cuz . . . yanno . . . I am a threat to the United States of America. And I am a danger to society.

Old news right now, I know . . . but . . . ugh, it still pisses me off.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. YOU LOT HAVE SEEN PICTURES OF ME. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TERRORIST?

"What is the morals of a gay person? You can't answer that because anything goes."

Let me just now say that I have motherfucking morals. I know right from wrong. I try my best to be a good person. I care about people.

"They're probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of."

Oh yes. BIG THREAT because gays want to be treated the same as everyone else even though they're OBVIOUSLY not people. *rolls eyes* It's not like every last homosexual in the country is looking to overthrow the government, no. We mostly leave that to the crazies.

x-posted

bakacoconut @ 2009-02-17T13:24:00

2009-02-17T22:46:57Z

So, I haven't been on here at all lately. I stayed the weekend at Chris and Ted's and just . . . emotional rollercoaster and updating livejournal about that was bad enough. I only did that out of obligation to Eileen. I make it a point to be honest with her about everything, including my insecurities because when she finds out she always asks me why I didn't tell her. We're more or less past the insecurity for now.

Apparently Sakuya called the doctor he's supposed to go see again because of the internal bleeding and the pain and whatnot . . . they told him to take vitamins. "Maybe they will help."

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

I officially have no hope for the American health care system. NONE. VITAMINS FOR INTERNAL BLEEDING WHAT FAGGOTRY IS THIS? I understand that doctors need to make a living as well but when someone is DYING it is their OBLIGATION to help them, is it not?

Dear President Obama, PRZ 2 B ATTEMPTING OF THE MAKING OF THE FIXING OF THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM NAO KTHX.

I had more to say . . . but I saw Sakuya's lj post in the midst of writing this and then it took a turn in that direction . . . I'm shaking from a cross between being livid and being fucking scared.

I'll possibly be back after I calm down . . . maybe . . .

meme

2009-02-12T19:47:57Z

anne_beheaded tagged me.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

This is going to be all over the place . . . forgive me.

1) I turned 20 on January 5th, 2009.

2) My hair is naturally blonde. I dye it darker colors and call it artificial intelligence.

3) I am in a HORRIBLE mood right now.

4) I have no direction as to where my life is going.

5) Going off the previous statement, I am confident in saying that I am in love with Vandy and the only certain thing I can say I see in my future is her.

6) As far as music goes, I will listen to anything from country to heavy metal. But I will not listen to gospel.

7) I would like to consider myself a learning Buddhist.

8) Labels irritate me, but so does lack of anything concrete.

9) I am a coffee addict. And Coca Cola, but coffee is more readily available. I like tea, too.

10) My mom hasn't been home since Monday and I speculate she's been using drugs again.

11) My dad's talking about divorce. Again. Honestly, I can't say I blame him with the way my mum's acting.

12) The ONLY thing I have EVER in my entire LIFE resented my mother for is her falling to drug addiction after 15+ years of lecturing me that it will fuck up your life (and it did fuck up her life and the lives of the rest of us). I never held it over her head, but I'm starting to think I should.

13) As of right this second, I kind of want to move out and live in a box. I turned in a very close friend over that kind of shit and I don't think I could do that to my mom but I don't want to be around it.

14) I have a sense of intuition that comes and goes but when it comes around, it is INTENSE.

15) I hate MySpace and yet I am on it every day . . . some of the apps are fun.

16) I love ljsecret and Post Secret. Sending in secrets is therapeutic. And reading the secrets makes me feel better and less alone.

17) I am more or less constantly on MSN.

18) I suffer from severe insomnia. The longest I've stayed awake is two weeks and that was most definitely not fun. Your body fucking hurts and you start hallucinating and shit.

19) I come to rely too much on others, sometimes.

20) I wear my heart on my sleeve, though sometime ago, I kept everything hidden.

21) I like memes and I'm sure my f-list on LiveJournal hates it since I post faaaaaaaaar too many each day.

22) My lj username is bakacoconut69.

23) I stopped biting my nails. But I nicked the pinky nail on my left hand with a razor while I was shaving so now there's this slice missing.

24) While I have never seen a marriage ever REALLY work out for the better, the hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that it could work for me. Marriage IS a frightening concept to me . . . but in a good way.

25) I am overcome with the intense urge to call someone and just RANT at them . . . and yet I don't want to bother anyone.

V-Day Rant . . . sorry about the excessive cursing XD

2009-02-09T07:24:28Z

Is it that important to get a valentine for this holiday?
FUCK NO. VALENTINE'S DAY IS FUCKING POINTLESS.

What do you want for valentines day?
See the question above the one above this one.
I don't want ANYTHING for Valentine's Day. If someone is going to be romantic, I want it to be because they WANT to . . . not because they feel obligated over a stupid fucking holiday. I don't believe that there is just ONE day each year to be romantic . . . it should be every day or at least at random because the mood strikes you to do something nice for your sweetheart.

Do you want flowers for valentines day?
Not FOR Valentine's Day . . . we've been over this, fucker.

What is the best gift for someone?
"Showing them you care everyday instead of just Valentines XD"
^ THIS

Why do we celebrate valentines day?
Because people are lazy asses and want to cram all the romance in their life into one fucking day . . . morons.

That's right, bitches. This is Coconut's "Valentine's Day Is Moronic And Stupid" rant. I mean no offense . . . this is just my views on a holiday that I see no point in.

Overall, my reasoning is a simple question. WHY PICK ONE DAY TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' AND BE ROMANTIC? I seriously don't understand it. You go out and buy a mass-produced PINK OR RED box of chocolates that says 'be mine' or something equally as dumb for your girl and here I'm staring at you, shaking my head and wondering 'is this out of obligation for the holiday or do they really mean that?' Buying roses and chocolates for your woman/mandude on V-Day does NOT strike me as romantic. Buying your sweetheart REAL chocolates and HAND-PICKED roses with a handwritten note and leaving them when you leave for work in the morning strikes me as romantic . . . why? Because it's a SURPRISE and you did it just because you felt like it.

A 'Valentine's Day' dinner doesn't strike me as romantic or special, either . . . if you want to go out to dinner or make your darling something special, do it because you're kind and sweet and generous because you want to give them a break from cooking and treat them like they're the greatest thing in the world. Valentine's Day dinners are OVERDONE. Seriously. Everyone does a special dinner for Valentine's Day. Be unique and PICK A DIFFERENT DAY.

Honestly . . . Valentine's Day is WAAAAAAY overrated. When I have a special someone, I like to say and show them how much I love them every chance I get. No, seriously, ask Vandigo . . . she'll tell you that I say 'I love you' WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much. But I mean it more every time. And I wish it could be more than just words, honestly. Going to have to fix that . . . ANYWAYS.

I'm a hopeless romantic, at heart. I like to go out into the middle of nowhere and look at the stars (well, not that I could do that in Seattle, but you get it). I like just sitting in comfortable silence and basking in each other's presence. I like giving little gifts that have more sentimental value than they let on because of what they symbolize to me. I like going out into the garden, if I have one, and picking flowers and surprising my love. I like calling and texting JUST to say 'I love you and I wanted to see how you were doing'. Little things AT RANDOM. February 14th or no, I am spontaneously overcome with the urge to express my emotions towards the person I love. Sue me.

LIKE THAT ONE POST I MADE ABOUT HOW MUCH I BELIEVE I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IN LOVE WITH VANDIGO? YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE? IT WASN'T VALENTINE'S DAY THEN. I WAS JUST OVERCOME WITH EMOTION AND FELT THE NEED TO EXPRESS IT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Another illustration of I'm not the only one:
I want to be a hell of a lot more than friends with you. Problem with actually doing that right now is the distance. I am, oddly enough, kind of a romantic. I like taking people out to dinner randomly shopping to the middle of nowhere just to look at stars. Theres really only a couple of people I ever did that with, and one of them I was in love with, so yeah. I'm a hopeless romantic. Trust me, if we were within a days driving distance of each other, I'd probably be at your house like all the time cooking for you making sure you sleep and eat snuggling taking you places just cause I can because in all honesty, I WANT to do these things with you and for you. Because I love you. I just need to get the fuck out of colorado first. XD

YES, I KNOW I'VE POSTED THAT BEFORE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE EFFING POINT. The point is, that is, by FAR, the single most romantic ranty thing I have ever heard from someone. And guess what . . . IT WASN'T ON VALENTINE'S DAY PEOPLE. And if Vandigo and I were to have half those things . . . I can assure you that it wouldn't be on Valentine's Day. It'd be because we felt like it (yeah, I am assuming here, stfu).

Now . . . I'm not ranting because "ZOMFG I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING VALENTINE BAWWW". I'm ranting because love shouldn't be restricted to one day . . . you know? "Oh here, honey, I'm buying you flowers and chocolate and this gadget thingy and we're going to dinner because the calendar says to." Does that sound romantic? FUCK NO. I DO NOT WANT THAT.

Here's the thing . . . to me, February 14th isn't JUST another day. It's Vandy's birthday . . . birthdays are a semi-big deal to me. But it's not a holiday as far as I am concerned.

Half of this rant PROBABLY doesn't make any sense . . . but . . . I'm fucking tired, okay.

Oh, and Vandigo, I'm sorry I used you as an example but . . . actually . . . I'm not. I love you <333

ALSO: Am I the only one that notices that if you pronounce "V-Day" wrong it sounds like "D-Day"? FUNNY SHIT. 8D

EDIT: x-posted like a motherfucker because I'm a bitter and spiteful bitch like that.

mmmm. tired.

2009-02-08T09:49:33Z

Last night I asked Vandy if I could call her and she told me that she didn't know where her phone was and didn't want it to wake up the dogs. Understandable. BUT she promised I could call her today and talk to her all day if I wanted. Which . . . is a tad extreme.

I did plan on talking to her today, though. So earlier today, my phone decided it wasn't going to make outgoing calls AT ALL. My mom finally got my phone working, but I don't know HOW. Like . . . she grabbed the phone and dialed out to Vandy . . . who I talked to for about ten minutes and then she told me she'd call me back. Srsly, it worked JUST fine after that. My mum has the magic touch, yo. XD

Neeeeeeeeeee . . . we went to Chris and Ted's and ended up having enchiladas. Mmmmm. And Danika and a friend of hers were getting ready for this dance they were going to at the high school . . . DAMMIT, I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN A PICTURE OF HER BEFORE I LEFT, SHE LOOKED GORGEOUS. Mind you, I say that in the loving older sister kind of way. Teenager or not, she's still one of mah kids.

That's my Danika ^^

Speaking of Danika . . . she's . . . trying to decide if she's lesbian or not, or that's what she told me. She's said she's to the point where she isn't attracted to boys at all but she doesn't know if that'll pass or not. At least she's thinking straight and knowing that while it's possible, it's not definite. I don't know. All I can really do is be there for her and let her know that I'm willing to listen and offer input where I can, even if I can't exactly HELP. She knows that . . . And Danika's also diabetic, so . . . I guess I just worry. She was in the hospital and almost died from an infection right before I moved back.

Yeah . . . the enchiladas were good. I missed them when I moved. We used to go over to Chris and Ted's all the time for dinner and then we'd have them come over . . . so much fun. And I was surprised but Vandigo actually called BACK . . . while we were at Chris and Ted's. Everyone stared at me and was all "O_____O WERE YOU JUST ON THE PHONE AND ACTUALLY TALKING????" Ja . . . things change and . . . Vandy's one of the few people I actually ENJOY talking to on the phone. That, and she never really expects me to say anything every second of the phone conversation, which is good. When the person on the other end of the line expects constant chatter . . . it doesn't help motivate me to talk. Besides, it's the weekend, so it's not like we were wasting minutes. Anyway, my mom was telling me to thank Chris and Ted for the dinner and I needed to say bye to the kids and everyone else and then I was all "can I call you back when I get home?" . . . phone tag XD

And before I left, Chris's sister Carrie was all "who was that, your girlfriend?" 'Uhm. Noooooooooo.' And then she proceeded to make fun of me, which I guess I deserve. I make fun of her all the time over her boyfriends all the time. And she wouldn't stop poking me when I was on the phone and going 'you're pregnant'. *dies* I have weird friends . . . and when I poked her back, my mom told me to not knock her up . . . wtf.

So . . . I came home and called Vandigo, no answer . . . who called me back. And I sat in my mom's room and talked to her which I never EVER EVER EVER did in Seattle with my aunt and uncle. I used to always go upstairs to my room and talk unless I had to go back downstairs to make some tea or some shit . . . I guess I am self conscious when I talk on the phone or something? either way . . . it was different but oddly entertaining to me.

Vandy and I were talking about her sister's wedding in May and how her brother-in-law's mom more or less planned the entire thing. But apparently Karleen put her foot down on the date, the dress, and the cake. Her fiance's mom wanted a German chocolate cake which is just cruel to a diabetic, since if you use artificial sweetener and such, it makes it taste HORRID. And then Vandy somehow came out with 'if you and I get married, we'll have a cake shaped like a vagina . . . and boobs.'

I must now say that Vandy . . . well . . . when I first met her and we talked about marriage and kids in passing . . . she said that she NEVER wanted to get married and NEVER wanted to have kids. So her saying that . . . 'if we get married-' . . . I don't know. It just doesn't seem like something she'd lightly talk about if she didn't mean it on some level. And yesterday, she told me to never doubt that she loves me. So . . . there is something there.

I don't know WHY her saying that made me happy . . . I mean, I figure that as long as she's there, I'm more or less content. And my mom was all 'well, weddings make people really think about things like that'.

ALSO: I mentioned to my mom about Vandy wanting a sex change in passing. She more or less said 'oh, okay' and that was that. It's not a BAD thing, actually. It means that my mom isn't bothered at all by it. I'm not sure why I thought she would be . . . my mom's never been one to judge other people or not accept them. She's one of the most accepting people I know, really.

Anyway . . . off to bed with the Nut. I'll see about catching up with the friends page on here tomorrow.

read. watch vid. simple.

2009-02-06T00:15:32Z

Seriously guys . . . read this and then click the link to watch the video. And sign it. Please.

Copied and pasted from an email only because I suck with using my own words.

---------------------------------------------------------------

MESSAGE FOR YOUR FRIENDS:

Hi,

Have you heard that Ken Starr -- and the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund -- filed legal briefs defending the constitutionality of Prop 8 and attempting to forcibly divorce 18,000 same-sex couples that were married in California last year? The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in this case on March 5, 2009, with a decision expected within the next 90 days.

The Courage Campaign has created a video called "Fidelity," with the permission of musician Regina Spektor, that puts a face to those 18,000 couples and all loving, committed couples seeking full equality under the law.

Please watch this heartbreaking video:

http://www.couragecampaign.org/Divorce

After you watch the video, please consider joining me in signing the letter to the state Supreme Court and passing this video on to your friends. The more people who see this video, the more people will understand the pain caused by Prop 8 and Ken Starr's shameful legal proceeding.

Thanks.

-------------------------------------------

x-posted like a motherfucker.

Birthday Calculator and Stats

2009-02-05T03:50:30Z

I stole this from nesharfm

You can get one.

5 January 1989

Your date of conception was on or about 14 April 1988 which was a Thursday.

You were born on a Thursday
under the astrological sign Capricorn.
Your Life path number is 6.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Your life will be happy and peaceful.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447531.5.
The golden number for 1989 is 14.
The epact number for 1989 is 22.
The year 1989 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/17/1988 and ending 2/5/1989.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Dragon.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Goose; your plant is Bramble.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Famenoth, the third month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 29 Tevet 5749.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 1 Shevat 5749.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.15.12.7 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 15 tun 12 uinal 7 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Thursday, 27 Jumadiyu'l-Avval 1409 (1409-5-27).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 26 March 1989.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 30 April 1989.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 8 February 1989.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 14 May 1989.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 21 May 1989.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 30 September 1989.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 20 April 1989.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 7 February 1989.

As of 2/4/2009 7:57:55 PM EST
You are 20 years old.
You are 241 months old.
You are 1,048 weeks old.
You are 7,335 days old.
You are 176,059 hours old.
You are 10,563,597 minutes old.
You are 633,815,875 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Marilyn Manson (1969) Pamela Sue Martin (1953) Diane Keaton (1946)
Juan Carlos I, King of Spain (1938) Alvin Ailey (1931) Robert Duvall (1931)
Walter Mondale (1928) George Reeves (1914) George Dolenz (1908)
Konrad Adenauer (1876)

Top songs of 1989
Another Day In Paradise by Phil Collins Miss You Much by Janet Jackson
Straight Up by Paula Abdul Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx
Lost In Your Eyes by Debbie Gibson Like a Prayer by Madonna
We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel Two Hearts by Phil Collins
When I See You Smile by Bad English Blame It On the Rain by Milli Vanilli

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 2.87084148727984 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Saturday.
Your lucky number is 8.
Your ruling planet(s) is Saturn & Uranus.
Your lucky dates are 8th, 17th, 26th.
Your opposition sign is Cancer.
Your opposition number(s) is 2 & 7.

Today is one of your lucky days!

There are 335 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 21 candles.

Those 21 candles produce 21 BTUs,
or 5,292 calories of heat (that's only 5.2920 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.40 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1989 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1989 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1989 in the US there were 2,404,000 marriages (9.7%) and 1,163,000 divorces (4.7%)
In 1989 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1989 the population of Australia was approximately 16,936,723.
In 1989 there were approximately 250,853 births in Australia.
In 1989 in Australia there were approximately 117,176 marriages and 41,383 divorces.
In 1989 in Australia there were approximately 124,232 deaths.

Your birthstone is Garnet

The Mystical properties of Garnet

Garnet is used as a power stone

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Emerald, Rose Quartz

Your birth tree is

Fir Tree, the Mysterious

Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

There are 324 days till Christmas 2009!
There are 337 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.

shifty eyes

2009-02-04T08:15:28Z

So . . . all day, I've been talking to Vandy on and off about whether or not we're 'just friends' because saying we're friends just doesn't seem to cover it. And it all goes back to what each of us wants . . . I finally told her what I wanted . . . and then she came out with this . . .

"I want to be a hell of a lot more than friends with you. Problem with actually doing that right now is the distance. I am, oddly enough, kind of a romantic. I like taking people out to dinner randomly shopping to the middle of nowhere just to look at stars. Theres really only a couple of people I ever did that with, and one of them I was in love with, so yeah. I'm a hopeless romantic. Trust me, if we were within a days driving distance of each other, I'd probably be at your house like all the time cooking for you making sure you sleep and eat snuggling taking you places just cause I can because in all honesty, I WANT to do these things with you and for you. Because I love you. I just need to get the fuck out of colorado first. XD"

That is the VERY condensed version. GoogleTalk had it so the list was on separate lines since she typed them as she came up with them . . . and I didn't go out of my way to edit it since it's perfect the way she said it.

She . . . and . . . okay . . . I admit to bawling at this point.

Due to lack of proper brain function . . . this entry draws to a close.

FMA induces deep thinking and ramblings

2009-01-28T20:47:23Z

So I'm watching Fullmetal Alchemist (STFU I still like it), and I've made it to episode 17. Well in 16, there was one of those passing characters who was a war veteran and he said something interesting.

A dream to get everything back the way it was? But once you have it, what will you do with your life? The pleasure of a dream is that it's a fantasy. If it happens, it was never a dream.

It just . . . made me stop and think. The pleasure of a dream is that it's a fantasy. If it happens, it was never a dream. One of the synonyms for dream IS fantasy. But another synonym, albeit by a different definition of the word "dream" is "goal."

http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/dream

That quote just . . . kind of stopped me in my tracks. Hell, I even paused it. But it made me think. Does this mean a dream, as in the terms of a goal, isn't really a dream since it is within your plans in reality to make it more than just a dream? Or is something a dream only before you manage to make it happen? And if a goal is a dream until it is reached and becomes reality, what is it then? Is it still considered a dream or is it something else entirely at that point?

I tried to make a concrete line of thinking here that was easy to understand . . . and I failed miserably XD

Any thoughts?

the lack of real updates

2009-01-25T04:43:46Z

Okay, so the lack of real updates . . . meh. I've been lazy. The past few days, I've been in a mildly good mood. Positive, I guess you could say.

Right now . . . I'm kind of slipping up. My friend Lauren's husband just left her and while I don't know the details . . . her bad mood kind of embedded itself to me. I'm trying to not let it overwhelm me, but . . . lack of sleep, I'm kind of feeling a little out of it to begin with.

Like right this second. I'm fighting the urge to start crying again. In all actuality, I have NO reason to cry whatsoever. Maybe I should just cry and get it over with, ne? It's not TOO overwhelming. Which means that I am doing better.

Earlier, though, I did watch a movie with my mum on Lifetime. Prayers For Bobby. Was very sad and very touching. I cried.

Now I go find other things to do.

the babies

2009-01-24T19:57:18Z

Okay, so those that knew me before I moved to Seattle probably remember that I had two pet rats named Iggy and Tsume. Unfortunately, my uncle was a dick and said absolutely not when I asked if I could bring them so I had to leave them here. My mom gave them away and, at some point, they died. What bothers me is that my mom gave them to someone she hardly knew and someone I didn't know. I would've preferred it if she would've given them back to Michelle, who we got them from, since I knew they could take care of them properly (though they DID try to use red cedar wood chips at first which is a HUGE no-no with rats, and the same with pine). Sadly, it didn't turn out that way and Iggy and Tsume passed away. I realize they would've died anyway, since I was gone for almost three years, but my brother told me this a few months after I left. They were only a year and some-odd months old at that time and the average domestic rat lives anywhere from two to five years.

Tsume and Iggy.

I was there the day they were born. I built their cage with the help of someone in Kimberly with my bare hands (and let me tell you, it fucking HURT) because the one I had for them originally just wasn't big enough. I let them run around my room when I was home. I got in trouble with my mom for taking one of them to school with me. I let them sleep with me a few times (oddly enough, they behaved themselves and went back into the cage to go to the bathroom). They were my babies and I loved them VERY much.

Iggy:

Iggy was my albino vampire biter rat. He bit EVERYBODY that tried to stick their hands into the cage except for mine and he ALWAYS drew blood. He was a fucking territorial bastard. I loved him for it. He'd attack me, but he didn't bite me for some reason.

He also liked peanut butter and dog food as treats. I named him after Iggy Pop and we didn't get him from Michelle until we already had gotten Tsume from her. It took me a few weeks to convince my mom that it was healthier for rats if they had a cagemate of the same sex. And, hey, they were brothers to begin with.

Tsume:

Tsume was the first born of the litter and the very first one I held.

I didn't realize he would be a hooded rat until later when they started getting their color and markings. The first time I saw him, he was VERY pink with a white strip across his tummy from his mother's milk.

I ended up naming Tsume after one of the epic characters in Wolf's Rain. And my mom had THE hardest time learning how to pronounce his name. She kept saying it "Sumi."

Out of the two, Tsume was always the one that was more lovable and cuddly.

Unlike Iggy, Tsume liked peanut butter but HATED dog food and dog treats. His preferred treat of choice was Cheerios.

Obviously, I have more pictures of him but there is a reason for this. Iggy always ran away when I brought out the camera (flash or no flash), while Tsume was either indifferent or came running up to the camera to chew on the string hanging off of it.

YES YES YES. I MISS MY FUCKING RATS, OKAY? THEY WERE, LIKE, THE BEST PETS EVER. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO POTTY TRAIN THEM. THEY DID IT THEMSELVES. LET THEM OUT OF THE CAGE BUT LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, AND THEY'D GO INTO IT.

I do want to have pet rats again someday soon. No, they won't replace Iggy and Tsume, but rats are nice to have around.

I lol'ed

2009-01-23T01:57:13Z

A friend of mine showed me that. And it is motherfucking epic. I laughed. Srsly. XD

x-posted

I'll admit it . . . I am TOTALLY love-sick.

2009-01-21T09:25:04Z

Okay, so I rant about Vandy about as much as I rant and rave and bitch about Jess . . . but this is HARDLY my fault. I blame Vandy for getting to me.

I just don't understand HOW she does it. I mean, she started out as just this really awesome friend from livejournal that I met through another friend and Jrock and then the next thing I knew, I was falling for her. So here I'm going 'HOMGWTFBBQ WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?' And then I finally tell her and she was just all '8D' <<< no, seriously . . . that's the face she used. And then a couple weeks after I told her, she said 'I love you too' out of virtually NOWHERE and explained she doesn't say that to any of her friends when I asked. She said she only says it to the ones she has some kind of feelings for. And then everytime she told me she loved me I was all torn between "ZOMGSQUEE" and "oh fuck".

I mean, there's a LOT more to it than just that. Everytime I felt confused and torn about how I felt about her, she'd talk me through it and assure me that everything was FINE and that she was okay with it. And she'd even mention that the situation wasn't ENTIRELY hopeless and that I shouldn't give up. It was always the "we'll see" factor.

I don't know what's happened in the recent months. It's like all those barriers and that 'just friends' thing seems like it's GONE. Even her friend, David, mentioned it to me. [BTW for the context of this, he posted a picture on his lj and I left a comment and we were more or less joking around].

Fusion: Go fap to my pictures. I won't tell your girl V.
Me: MY girl? Pfft.
Fusion: Well she's not MINE.
Me: She's not mine, either.
Fusion: You two sure don't act that way.

He's not the first person to mention that. People say all the time "you know, with half the conversations you tell me about, I'm surprised you haven't come out and told me you guys are dating." And they do have a point. I mean, I tell Vandy I love her at least ONCE every single day whether it's through a lj comment or whether I text her or even call her. I always say it at LEAST once, but I say it several times a day most of the time. And if, somehow, I forget to say it first, she ends up saying it. I mean, Ashley's been my friend for YEARS and I've had a crush on her for about that long and I'll tell her I love her often (not meaning it romantically out of respect for her and personal boundaries I set ages ago), but it's not an every day thing. And that's pretty much the same with all my other friends. Vandy's REALLY the only one I've ever gone out of my way to say "I love you" to. Ever. And then when she says it back, it makes me like . . . all stupid happy. You know that giddiness you get for no reason? That's stupid happy.

And then she makes me genuinely happy as well. Like, I can be upset on the surface, but knowing that she cares about me and that she's just THERE gives me a kind of inner peace a lot of the time. I can't even HESITATE to say I love her. Or that I'm in love with her. With everyone else, even Ashley, there's always been that hesitation to say 'in love'. And yet, that hesitation doesn't apply here.

I think back to a lot of the things I've talked about with Vandy. Like when I told her that nothing would probably happen between us and she told me that she WANTED something to happen. And then when I told Vandy I was giving up on her and then right after that, the shit with Jess happened. And then Vandy ended up telling me, 'you didn't blow your chance with me. I'm willing to give it a shot, and it doesn't matter what you do between now and then.' And then how I didn't see the visit happening and her insisting that it will and that SHE will make it happen. Finally, most recently, tonight . . . which more or less spawned this mess of a post. I filled out a survey on LiveJournal that she read (she usually reads them whether they're five questions or a hundred, it seems).

Why are you not going for the person you want?
Because I have this belief that she is FAR too good for me . . . and I haven't met her in person yet. By all accounts, though, part of me still believes she can do better.

With that answer, I didn't mention that I don't really CARE if she's too good for me at this point . . . and then her response and our little conversation.

Vandy: *squish* whos too good for who is all relative, its feelings that really matter in the end.
Me: *shrugs* I still believe it. Whether or not I care at this point is another story.
Vandy: *snuggles* I still love you, no matter what.
Me: *squish* I love you too. So much.
Vandy: *beepsnuggle*

It's the I still love you, no matter what that got me. I've spent HOURS crying over Vandy. More than she or Sakuya or ANYONE will EVER know. I mean, Vandy wants a sex change because she's ALWAYS wanted to be a guy and I was one of the first people she told that. Sakuya mentioned 'well, you're a lesbian so can you REALLY support Vandy in the sex change she wants and still want her on that level?' I cried for days after he asked me that and thought about it. I finally found an answer. I can and WILL support Vandy with whatever the fuck she wants because I don't care what happens as long as it makes her happy. I've realized that I'm not in love with HER. I'm in love with VANDY and, in the end, Vandy's gender means shit to me. But I got off track.

The "I still love you, no matter what" statement . . . that's not the first time she's said something of this nature, though it has been VERY few times. But, just like every other time she's said it . . . it makes me realize that she really does love me and all my insecurity about this is entirely over nothing. And it also makes me realize all over again as to exactly how much I really love her and how I can't even be afraid to say it anymore. Her saying that she loves me no matter what has me crying. And she said it over an HOUR ago.

You know that saying "I love them so much it hurts"? That's not the case here. Because it doesn't hurt anymore. It really doesn't. Sometimes, it's overwhelming, to say the least . . . but it doesn't hurt. And I think that Vandy knows me about as well as Sakuya does.

Maybe things REALLY can work with her, in the end. With the turn everything's taken from "we'll see" to "you guys act like you're dating already," it might.

Even if it doesn't work out, Sakuya's right. We wouldn't stop being friends over something like that. And, in the end, that's the least I could ask for because it seems nigh impossible to live without her there at this point.

Okay . . . Coconut's done rambling about how love-sick she really is. I mean it, when I fall, I fall HARD.

Obama

2009-01-21T01:47:06Z

Just watch this.

So, for the first time in a long time (since I was a kid anyway), I am proud to be American. And I have high hopes for the future.

But don't try to get into it with me with politics because, in all honesty, I hate politics with a passion hotter than the depths of hell. If you and I were to get into an argument, I would end up making an ass of myself, and I know it. Best to not go there.

I HAS ANOTHER ONE

2009-01-20T10:16:18Z

PRZ2BCLICKIN.

LoveandHugs.net

2009-01-20T08:29:00Z

I meant to put this up here last night.

LoveandHugs.net

It's a GLBT site by one of Sakuya's friends. She originally had one hosted on Weebly, but she got sick of the limitations. So far, she's got a few articles and such. And she ended up adding a feature that's a lot like MySpace . . . only better.

I joined. .D

I'm in an updating mood?

2009-01-20T05:56:34Z

So I realize most (maybe all) of you might not know who Sugizo is . . . but I figure, if he can have hope for America, so can the rest of us.

That didn't come out right, but . . . Sugizo's blog . . . it made me think.

BOOBS

2009-01-20T05:23:42Z

ur mom will die & u will have bad relationship problems unless u repost as:

SHOCKER!(IF U HAVE A LITTLE DICK)
MAKEOUT- (if you're taken)
HIGH-(if you are confused, and alone)
SEX-(if you like someone but NOT SURE HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT U)
NAKED(if your taken and loving it)
DRUNK (if ur single and not really sure about anything )
BLOODY ROSE -- (you're about to give up and hate life)
COCAINE-(missing your ex)
VODKA- (there's no point in liking the person u like)
WEED- (if ur just taking life as it comes)
COCA COLA-(if u just dont understand relationships at all)
BOOBS-(if ur a ninja turtle!)
KISSING-(if u like someone and they like u but ur not going out)
PENIS(if your reposting this jst becuz penis is a funny word)
SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IN : 1 hour

I saw it on MySpace . . . they're just SO annoying and I absolutely LOATHE them. At the same time, they're funny.

And here is an example of the conversations Vandy and I have in LJ comments . . . one of the more TAME ones, at least. I'm bakacoconut69 and she is vandigo (obviously). And don't mind syncordi . . . he's always been a dork. <<<<<< is a link btw

caaaaaaaaaaaaake

2009-01-16T06:02:30Z

Okay, so I know that I never EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER shut up about Sakuya. What can I say . . . I love the guy. He's my gay fairy <3

Anyway, he bakes whenever he's upset. AND FUCK DOES HE HAVE SOME STRANGE AND COMPLEX RECIPES.

I now introduce his infamous 'rainbow cake' recipe.

And the more recent 'zebra cake' recipe.

COMPLICATED AS HELL.

Kiss twice, kiss me deadly <3333

2009-01-16T05:42:38Z

OKAY, SO ALICE NINE'S NEW ALBUM VANDALIZE. THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG ON IT. SRSLY.

I am in love with this album. I really am. I've been listening to it nonstop since I downloaded it.

AND WHEN I FINALLY DO FIND A JOB IMMA BUY IT.

I love this song, though. Like. A lot.

*fangirls*

Sakuya

2009-01-16T04:42:39Z

Okay, so I was talking to Sakuya last night about a LOT of things. I asked him about how to get Jeanine to listen to me and he called me right before I called her. I think that's the only reason I stayed calm while talking to her, to be honest. Sakuya always calms me down. He said that wasn't even the reason he called. He called to give me an example of the calm monotone voice he always uses with me when he's trying to get me to listen to him. Then again . . . Sakuya always says there's a real reason he calls. It was nice hearing his voice, though.

I also talked to him about Vandy. I was supposed to go visit her for two or three weeks at Christmas and that didn't happen because I moved to Idaho. I had been planning that trip since the BEFORE summer and Vandy and I decided that Christmas would be a good time back in September. And then when I came up short with money for the plane tickets, my aunt payed for the round trip. She tried to get her money back when I was going to move, but they wouldn't refund it and instead credited it to my name for a year under the airline. It occurred to me yesterday that I should start seriously thinking about going to visit Vandy. Sakuya so kindly reminded me that he previously said I was going to prepare to see her near February. I had forgotten about that. I talked to my mom about that who's going to call Orbitz tomorrow to see if they're going to honor that or not.

Sakuya and I also talked about my dad. My dad's homophobic and has been for as long as I remember. Like, everytime I talk about Sakuya or mention Vandy and imply that she's more than a friend (I tend to refrain from the last part), my dad will make a snide remark of some kind. Or he'll get a disappointed look on his face. Just . . . it didn't bother me NEARLY as much when I was younger. But now that I see it for what it is . . . *sighs* I always knew my dad felt that way, but I refused to let it bother me. I'm not sure why it bothers me now. Sakuya said "tell him how you feel" . . . but . . . I dunno.

Sakuya: Ask him what is more important.
Sakuya: His views on homophobia..... or him loving and accepting his child for who and what she is? Because which is more damaging to him? Your homosexuality, which does not affect him in any way that he does not bring upon himself...... or his homophobia which throws you into depression and causes you to feel that if your parents cannot love you, who can?

As always. Sakuya is right. He's always right and I can't begin to fathom HOW that works. I just don't know HOW to talk to my dad. I want him to understand that, for me at least, sexuality ISN'T a choice. I didn't wake up one morning and decide "wow, sex with men makes me really uncomfortable" (tmi, I know). IT. HAS. ALWAYS. BEEN. THAT. WAY.

Anyway . . . this is what's been going through my mind for much of today, since I always have an ass load of things to think about after I talk to Sakuya. I've also been thinking a lot about Jess . . . who I am convinced needs to go hide in a hole and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. I am so tired of her trying to call and text me. So tired.

MUAH

2009-01-15T21:33:01Z

The epicness of Miyavi can't be ignored.

Heather took that AGES ago while I was still in school. Everytime I went to the bank, the same car was ALWAYS there. So the last time, I learned that it was one of the tellers that I always saw. I told her she was my fucking hero XD

I miss Seattle ;~; And my cousin.

I warned you guys . . .

2009-01-14T09:20:49Z

I like to spam . . . a lot. You should see my livejournal where I post survey after meme after survey after meme after real life update after youtube video . . . Over there, I'm up to five or six posts per day on average lol.

For those that haven't ALREADY guessed, I am a huge j-rock and j-pop fan. I'm a huge fan of Gackt, Miyavi, Utada Hikaru, X Japan, Koda Kumi, hide, alice nine. (which you'd know if you saw my last post), the GazettE . . . uhm. Danger Gang. And about a million other Japanese bands and artists (so I think).

hide - Light My Fire (The Doors Cover)

alice nine. - RAINBOWS

I love hide's cover of Light My Fire . . . it's just . . . so pretty.

And RAINBOWS . . . hahaha. I think it's an AMAZING song. But I'm amused by the fact that there are NO rainbows in the PV. XD
btw the title has me CONVINCED that Shou is gay.

EDIT: Had to link it . . . *kicks*

sexuality . . . I finally dealt with the confusion

2009-01-14T08:21:26Z

Okay, guys, I am REALLY sorry but it's becoming apparent that I need to warn you . . . I'm a journal whore. I post . . . like . . . a LOT. So I'm sorry for spamming your friends pages. But this is keeping me sane. I am having a REALLY hard time keeping myself together right now.

Over on LiveJournal (yes, I have one), I'm in a lesbian community which doesn't USUALLY interest me, but someone posted a question that peaked my interest.

have any of you ever really doubted that you're a lesbian?

My response in a comment:
I doubt that I'm a lesbian EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

It's not that I'm sexually ATTRACTED to men. But I do find them attractive and some of them are appealing to look at to me. Granted . . . most of them tend to have extremely feminine features . . . but they're still men. Ultimately, though, I would never EVER EVER EVER willingly have sex with any of these men and enjoy it. Tmi moment here, but I've never been able to get off with a man I've been with, no matter how attractive they were or how I felt about them. The attraction to them confuses me to no end. Every now and then I come across a guy and can't help but think 'he's hot' and then I realize just how wrong that sounds to me when I realize the thought and then end up taking it out of the original context, if that makes sense. Like, when I say "he's hot," I don't mean it the way it sounds.

Overall . . . lesbian is JUST a label to me. I say that if you're not at all interested in having sex with men, you're more or less safe in calling yourself lesbian (at least that's the case for me. I'm not saying that this works for everyone else). Basically, it comes down to whether or not you feel comfortable calling yourself lesbian, I guess. But I doubt each and every day.

So, for now, I am a freaking lesbian and perfectly happy with that. But . . . there's always an exception to every rule, I say. Whether or not that exception makes itself known in this lifetime is another story.

Anyway . . . I rambled A LOT. *hugs* I hope you find an answer you're looking for.

Seriously . . . that's a question I've thought about a LOT. Because some men ARE nice to look at. I can't deny that.

YES THAT IS A MAN AND HIS NAME IS SHOU. HE IS THE VOCALIST FOR ALICE NINE. LOVE HIM. *cough*

Anyways . . . that is the kind of men I am 'attracted' to. Shou, like many other Jrockers, has a lot of qualities most people I know consider 'feminine'. This might explain the 'attraction'. Don't get me wrong, I can see why some women are attracted to the masculine (for lack of a better word) guys.

While I do have some sort of attraction to men . . . I wouldn't want to have sex with them because it just doesn't appeal to me. In all honesty, it never has. Sleeping with men has never pleased me in any way, and intercourse with a member of the opposite sex has always felt uncomfortable and awkward and, somehow, wrong to me.

The things bringing forth confusion: I was able to develop romantic feelings for a member of the opposite sex. I've been able to see the appeal men hold for other women and can appreciate it. The fact that these two things conflicted the wrongness I felt during sex is what confused me more than anything.

My conclusion: I am a lesbian who can appreciate the appeal of men, but I do not find them sexually appeasing. Is it that way for other people? Hell if I know. Just me.

x-posted to livejournal

EDIT: So Sakuya left a comment on the livejournal entry version . . .

ABOUT THE FIRST THING. Trust me. You're a lesbian. You're a currently unhappy lesbian, but you're a lesbian. Everyone doubts at some points its the human condition of worrying about fitting exactly into one label. I find some women attractive. Youve seen them and drooled. I would never... touch em *makes a face* but still. Trust me. Sometimes Ive worried "Am I truly gay....?" but at the end of the day, the answer has always been.... "yep. Yep I am...."

Now.

As for the pic.

DEAR GOD I DO BELIEVE I HAVE JUST HAD A CUM.

I love Sakuya. I really do. He's one of my best friends XD