| Jess... |
[Mar. 4th, 2009|12:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sonata Arctica - Replica (2006) | ] |
I don't have it in me to write up about Jess again. I'm copying from LiveJournal.
The thing about Jess last night . . . her cousin left me a voice mail last night. And called me earlier. Jess died. Apparently she killed herself, or that's what I'm told. I didn't ask how. I don't want to know.
I guess in some ways, I pushed her too hard. You can't help people that don't want it. I've known that all along. But that doesn't make it my fault. By the looks of things, she would rather die than make an effort at getting better. That's her choice. I did what I could. What I saw as right.
The part of the story I do know:
She got out of jail and went to her parents somewhere in Wyoming. I'm not sure what she did after that. Apparently she was in rehab and seemed to be doing okay for the week or so that she was there. There were one or two different counties here that were going to go after her for outstanding warrants, I guess and a missed court date a few days back or something. This is just what I was told.
So . . . no more Jess . . . and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. We weren't on good terms, obviously. I mean, I turned her in for drugs . . . that would piss ANY addict off, would it not? And then there's me, who didn't want to be around her while she was using. We haven't exactly been close recently.
Jess . . . technically wasn't my girlfriend. The few times we talked about it, she said "it's not like that. Maybe in the future." We might as well have been together, though. Who knows . . . if things had been different . . . but they're not. I can and will accept that. Honestly, she wasn't the one I truly wanted to be with at this point to begin with.
So there was Derek. Then there was Jess. The pessimist in me sees a fucking pattern. And yet, there's a logical part of my brain and in my gut that is insisting that this concept is ridiculous . . . I'm going with my gut and HOPING that it's right. I can't stand to have this keep happening.
I liked Jess before she pulled her shit. I had some kind of feelings for her, obviously. I miss her. I can't say the word 'love' fits in here . . . but . . . I do miss her.
Despite this . . . something's telling me I am not NEARLY as torn up as I should be. Could be shock. Could be sleep deprivation. Could be the fact that she hurt me too deep for me to properly grieve. I don't know.
I'm sorry, Jess. It wasn't my place to help you. But in some ways, you did help me. I am grateful for that, even if I've just barely managed to forgive you.
In other news: I am applying for a job as a playground aide at the elementary school. My dad's sister was all "OH HAVE SHERYL ANNE APPLY FOR THE JOB SHE IS GOOD WITH KIDS". I'm not a big fan of them half the time, but I really do want this job . . . because I really do want to work with kids. When I admitted this to Vandy, she asked me if I wanted children (we talk about this periodically, but it's always a repeat conversation . . . I think we have too short of attention spans to pay attention to details). She never did answer me when I asked why she brought that up.
So . . . I have to bullshit my way through some essay-like questions on this online application. I'm really hoping I get this job. 4 hours a day isn't necessarily BAD and I'd get weekends off. And spring break. And the summer. It could work quite nicely if I budgeted myself right. And I want to eventually buy a car so my dad can teach me how to drive (his car is a piece of shit that I refuse to learn how to drive in). Then if I wanted to, I could drive to see Vandy. If I can do that before Vandy decides that she NEEDS to come up here . . . it'd take away some unneeded stress on her part.
And then I wouldn't have to worry about relying on my parents to take me everywhere. I wouldn't have to walk in cold-ass weather or blistering heat. I wouldn't be afraid of becoming entirely dependent on Vandy when the time comes for us to at least be roommates (that's been a plan of ours for a long time, now). I hate the concept of driving with a passion. But it's necessary, I suppose. I need to work at being more independent, so I will finish learning how to drive. And I will have my own car. Yes. That is the master plan.
Oddly enough, the MAIN motive behind the driving thing is so I can go visit Vandy if I want to . . . or at LEAST meet her halfway. That'd be nice. Crazy? Perhaps. Do I care? Not in the slightest. |
|
|
| uh huh . . . |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|06:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
Cuz . . . yanno . . . I am a threat to the United States of America. And I am a danger to society.
Old news right now, I know . . . but . . . ugh, it still pisses me off.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. YOU LOT HAVE SEEN PICTURES OF ME. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TERRORIST?
"What is the morals of a gay person? You can't answer that because anything goes."
Let me just now say that I have motherfucking morals. I know right from wrong. I try my best to be a good person. I care about people.
"They're probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of."
Oh yes. BIG THREAT because gays want to be treated the same as everyone else even though they're OBVIOUSLY not people. *rolls eyes* It's not like every last homosexual in the country is looking to overthrow the government, no. We mostly leave that to the crazies.
x-posted |
|
|
| |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|01:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The GazettE - Regret | ] |
So, I haven't been on here at all lately. I stayed the weekend at Chris and Ted's and just . . . emotional rollercoaster and updating livejournal about that was bad enough. I only did that out of obligation to Eileen. I make it a point to be honest with her about everything, including my insecurities because when she finds out she always asks me why I didn't tell her. We're more or less past the insecurity for now.
Apparently Sakuya called the doctor he's supposed to go see again because of the internal bleeding and the pain and whatnot . . . they told him to take vitamins. "Maybe they will help."
WHAT.THE.FUCK.
I officially have no hope for the American health care system. NONE. VITAMINS FOR INTERNAL BLEEDING WHAT FAGGOTRY IS THIS? I understand that doctors need to make a living as well but when someone is DYING it is their OBLIGATION to help them, is it not?
Dear President Obama, PRZ 2 B ATTEMPTING OF THE MAKING OF THE FIXING OF THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM NAO KTHX.
I had more to say . . . but I saw Sakuya's lj post in the midst of writing this and then it took a turn in that direction . . . I'm shaking from a cross between being livid and being fucking scared.
I'll possibly be back after I calm down . . . maybe . . . |
|
|
| V-Day Rant . . . sorry about the excessive cursing XD |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HIM - Buried Alive By Love | ] |
Is it that important to get a valentine for this holiday?
FUCK NO. VALENTINE'S DAY IS FUCKING POINTLESS.
What do you want for valentines day?
See the question above the one above this one.
I don't want ANYTHING for Valentine's Day. If someone is going to be romantic, I want it to be because they WANT to . . . not because they feel obligated over a stupid fucking holiday. I don't believe that there is just ONE day each year to be romantic . . . it should be every day or at least at random because the mood strikes you to do something nice for your sweetheart.
Do you want flowers for valentines day?
Not FOR Valentine's Day . . . we've been over this, fucker.
What is the best gift for someone?
"Showing them you care everyday instead of just Valentines XD"
^ THIS
Why do we celebrate valentines day?
Because people are lazy asses and want to cram all the romance in their life into one fucking day . . . morons.
That's right, bitches. This is Coconut's "Valentine's Day Is Moronic And Stupid" rant. I mean no offense . . . this is just my views on a holiday that I see no point in.
Overall, my reasoning is a simple question. WHY PICK ONE DAY TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' AND BE ROMANTIC? I seriously don't understand it. You go out and buy a mass-produced PINK OR RED box of chocolates that says 'be mine' or something equally as dumb for your girl and here I'm staring at you, shaking my head and wondering 'is this out of obligation for the holiday or do they really mean that?' Buying roses and chocolates for your woman/mandude on V-Day does NOT strike me as romantic. Buying your sweetheart REAL chocolates and HAND-PICKED roses with a handwritten note and leaving them when you leave for work in the morning strikes me as romantic . . . why? Because it's a SURPRISE and you did it just because you felt like it.
A 'Valentine's Day' dinner doesn't strike me as romantic or special, either . . . if you want to go out to dinner or make your darling something special, do it because you're kind and sweet and generous because you want to give them a break from cooking and treat them like they're the greatest thing in the world. Valentine's Day dinners are OVERDONE. Seriously. Everyone does a special dinner for Valentine's Day. Be unique and PICK A DIFFERENT DAY.
Honestly . . . Valentine's Day is WAAAAAAY overrated. When I have a special someone, I like to say and show them how much I love them every chance I get. No, seriously, ask Vandigo . . . she'll tell you that I say 'I love you' WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much. But I mean it more every time. And I wish it could be more than just words, honestly. Going to have to fix that . . . ANYWAYS.
I'm a hopeless romantic, at heart. I like to go out into the middle of nowhere and look at the stars (well, not that I could do that in Seattle, but you get it). I like just sitting in comfortable silence and basking in each other's presence. I like giving little gifts that have more sentimental value than they let on because of what they symbolize to me. I like going out into the garden, if I have one, and picking flowers and surprising my love. I like calling and texting JUST to say 'I love you and I wanted to see how you were doing'. Little things AT RANDOM. February 14th or no, I am spontaneously overcome with the urge to express my emotions towards the person I love. Sue me.
LIKE THAT ONE POST I MADE ABOUT HOW MUCH I BELIEVE I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IN LOVE WITH VANDIGO? YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE? IT WASN'T VALENTINE'S DAY THEN. I WAS JUST OVERCOME WITH EMOTION AND FELT THE NEED TO EXPRESS IT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Another illustration of I'm not the only one:
I want to be a hell of a lot more than friends with you. Problem with actually doing that right now is the distance. I am, oddly enough, kind of a romantic. I like taking people out to dinner randomly shopping to the middle of nowhere just to look at stars. Theres really only a couple of people I ever did that with, and one of them I was in love with, so yeah. I'm a hopeless romantic. Trust me, if we were within a days driving distance of each other, I'd probably be at your house like all the time cooking for you making sure you sleep and eat snuggling taking you places just cause I can because in all honesty, I WANT to do these things with you and for you. Because I love you. I just need to get the fuck out of colorado first. XD
YES, I KNOW I'VE POSTED THAT BEFORE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE EFFING POINT. The point is, that is, by FAR, the single most romantic ranty thing I have ever heard from someone. And guess what . . . IT WASN'T ON VALENTINE'S DAY PEOPLE. And if Vandigo and I were to have half those things . . . I can assure you that it wouldn't be on Valentine's Day. It'd be because we felt like it (yeah, I am assuming here, stfu).
Now . . . I'm not ranting because "ZOMFG I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING VALENTINE BAWWW". I'm ranting because love shouldn't be restricted to one day . . . you know? "Oh here, honey, I'm buying you flowers and chocolate and this gadget thingy and we're going to dinner because the calendar says to." Does that sound romantic? FUCK NO. I DO NOT WANT THAT.
Here's the thing . . . to me, February 14th isn't JUST another day. It's Vandy's birthday . . . birthdays are a semi-big deal to me. But it's not a holiday as far as I am concerned.
Half of this rant PROBABLY doesn't make any sense . . . but . . . I'm fucking tired, okay.
Oh, and Vandigo, I'm sorry I used you as an example but . . . actually . . . I'm not. I love you <333
ALSO: Am I the only one that notices that if you pronounce "V-Day" wrong it sounds like "D-Day"? FUNNY SHIT. 8D
EDIT: x-posted like a motherfucker because I'm a bitter and spiteful bitch like that. |
|
|
| *shifty eyes* |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HIM - The Sacrament | ] |
So . . . all day, I've been talking to Vandy on and off about whether or not we're 'just friends' because saying we're friends just doesn't seem to cover it. And it all goes back to what each of us wants . . . I finally told her what I wanted . . . and then she came out with this . . .
"I want to be a hell of a lot more than friends with you. Problem with actually doing that right now is the distance. I am, oddly enough, kind of a romantic. I like taking people out to dinner randomly shopping to the middle of nowhere just to look at stars. Theres really only a couple of people I ever did that with, and one of them I was in love with, so yeah. I'm a hopeless romantic. Trust me, if we were within a days driving distance of each other, I'd probably be at your house like all the time cooking for you making sure you sleep and eat snuggling taking you places just cause I can because in all honesty, I WANT to do these things with you and for you. Because I love you. I just need to get the fuck out of colorado first. XD"
That is the VERY condensed version. GoogleTalk had it so the list was on separate lines since she typed them as she came up with them . . . and I didn't go out of my way to edit it since it's perfect the way she said it.
She . . . and . . . okay . . . I admit to bawling at this point.
Due to lack of proper brain function . . . this entry draws to a close. |
|
|
| FMA induces deep thinking and ramblings |
[Jan. 28th, 2009|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | L'Arc~en~Ciel - Ready, Steady, Go | ] |
So I'm watching Fullmetal Alchemist (STFU I still like it), and I've made it to episode 17. Well in 16, there was one of those passing characters who was a war veteran and he said something interesting.
A dream to get everything back the way it was? But once you have it, what will you do with your life? The pleasure of a dream is that it's a fantasy. If it happens, it was never a dream.
It just . . . made me stop and think. The pleasure of a dream is that it's a fantasy. If it happens, it was never a dream. One of the synonyms for dream IS fantasy. But another synonym, albeit by a different definition of the word "dream" is "goal."
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/dream
That quote just . . . kind of stopped me in my tracks. Hell, I even paused it. But it made me think. Does this mean a dream, as in the terms of a goal, isn't really a dream since it is within your plans in reality to make it more than just a dream? Or is something a dream only before you manage to make it happen? And if a goal is a dream until it is reached and becomes reality, what is it then? Is it still considered a dream or is it something else entirely at that point?
I tried to make a concrete line of thinking here that was easy to understand . . . and I failed miserably XD
Any thoughts? |
|
|
| the lack of real updates |
[Jan. 24th, 2009|09:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
Okay, so the lack of real updates . . . meh. I've been lazy. The past few days, I've been in a mildly good mood. Positive, I guess you could say.
Right now . . . I'm kind of slipping up. My friend Lauren's husband just left her and while I don't know the details . . . her bad mood kind of embedded itself to me. I'm trying to not let it overwhelm me, but . . . lack of sleep, I'm kind of feeling a little out of it to begin with.
Like right this second. I'm fighting the urge to start crying again. In all actuality, I have NO reason to cry whatsoever. Maybe I should just cry and get it over with, ne? It's not TOO overwhelming. Which means that I am doing better.
Earlier, though, I did watch a movie with my mum on Lifetime. Prayers For Bobby. Was very sad and very touching. I cried.
Now I go find other things to do. |
|
|
| the babies |
[Jan. 24th, 2009|12:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gackt - Ghost | ] |
Okay, so those that knew me before I moved to Seattle probably remember that I had two pet rats named Iggy and Tsume. Unfortunately, my uncle was a dick and said absolutely not when I asked if I could bring them so I had to leave them here. My mom gave them away and, at some point, they died. What bothers me is that my mom gave them to someone she hardly knew and someone I didn't know. I would've preferred it if she would've given them back to Michelle, who we got them from, since I knew they could take care of them properly (though they DID try to use red cedar wood chips at first which is a HUGE no-no with rats, and the same with pine). Sadly, it didn't turn out that way and Iggy and Tsume passed away. I realize they would've died anyway, since I was gone for almost three years, but my brother told me this a few months after I left. They were only a year and some-odd months old at that time and the average domestic rat lives anywhere from two to five years.
Tsume and Iggy.
I was there the day they were born. I built their cage with the help of someone in Kimberly with my bare hands (and let me tell you, it fucking HURT) because the one I had for them originally just wasn't big enough. I let them run around my room when I was home. I got in trouble with my mom for taking one of them to school with me. I let them sleep with me a few times (oddly enough, they behaved themselves and went back into the cage to go to the bathroom). They were my babies and I loved them VERY much.
( pictars )
YES YES YES. I MISS MY FUCKING RATS, OKAY? THEY WERE, LIKE, THE BEST PETS EVER. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO POTTY TRAIN THEM. THEY DID IT THEMSELVES. LET THEM OUT OF THE CAGE BUT LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, AND THEY'D GO INTO IT.
I do want to have pet rats again someday soon. No, they won't replace Iggy and Tsume, but rats are nice to have around. |
|
|
| I'll admit it . . . I am TOTALLY love-sick. |
[Jan. 21st, 2009|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hide - Flame | ] |
Okay, so I rant about Vandy about as much as I rant and rave and bitch about Jess . . . but this is HARDLY my fault. I blame Vandy for getting to me.
( long and sappy and filled with utter nonsense )
Okay . . . Coconut's done rambling about how love-sick she really is. I mean it, when I fall, I fall HARD. |
|
|
| Sakuya |
[Jan. 15th, 2009|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hide - Celebration | ] |
Okay, so I was talking to Sakuya last night about a LOT of things. I asked him about how to get Jeanine to listen to me and he called me right before I called her. I think that's the only reason I stayed calm while talking to her, to be honest. Sakuya always calms me down. He said that wasn't even the reason he called. He called to give me an example of the calm monotone voice he always uses with me when he's trying to get me to listen to him. Then again . . . Sakuya always says there's a real reason he calls. It was nice hearing his voice, though.
I also talked to him about Vandy. I was supposed to go visit her for two or three weeks at Christmas and that didn't happen because I moved to Idaho. I had been planning that trip since the BEFORE summer and Vandy and I decided that Christmas would be a good time back in September. And then when I came up short with money for the plane tickets, my aunt payed for the round trip. She tried to get her money back when I was going to move, but they wouldn't refund it and instead credited it to my name for a year under the airline. It occurred to me yesterday that I should start seriously thinking about going to visit Vandy. Sakuya so kindly reminded me that he previously said I was going to prepare to see her near February. I had forgotten about that. I talked to my mom about that who's going to call Orbitz tomorrow to see if they're going to honor that or not.
Sakuya and I also talked about my dad. My dad's homophobic and has been for as long as I remember. Like, everytime I talk about Sakuya or mention Vandy and imply that she's more than a friend (I tend to refrain from the last part), my dad will make a snide remark of some kind. Or he'll get a disappointed look on his face. Just . . . it didn't bother me NEARLY as much when I was younger. But now that I see it for what it is . . . *sighs* I always knew my dad felt that way, but I refused to let it bother me. I'm not sure why it bothers me now. Sakuya said "tell him how you feel" . . . but . . . I dunno.
Sakuya: Ask him what is more important.
Sakuya: His views on homophobia..... or him loving and accepting his child for who and what she is? Because which is more damaging to him? Your homosexuality, which does not affect him in any way that he does not bring upon himself...... or his homophobia which throws you into depression and causes you to feel that if your parents cannot love you, who can?
As always. Sakuya is right. He's always right and I can't begin to fathom HOW that works. I just don't know HOW to talk to my dad. I want him to understand that, for me at least, sexuality ISN'T a choice. I didn't wake up one morning and decide "wow, sex with men makes me really uncomfortable" (tmi, I know). IT. HAS. ALWAYS. BEEN. THAT. WAY.
Anyway . . . this is what's been going through my mind for much of today, since I always have an ass load of things to think about after I talk to Sakuya. I've also been thinking a lot about Jess . . . who I am convinced needs to go hide in a hole and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. I am so tired of her trying to call and text me. So tired. |
|
|
| MUAH |
[Jan. 15th, 2009|02:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | geeky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alice nine. - Kiss twice, kiss me deadly | ] |
The epicness of Miyavi can't be ignored.
Heather took that AGES ago while I was still in school. Everytime I went to the bank, the same car was ALWAYS there. So the last time, I learned that it was one of the tellers that I always saw. I told her she was my fucking hero XD
I miss Seattle ;~; And my cousin. |
|
|
| sexuality . . . I finally dealt with the confusion |
[Jan. 14th, 2009|08:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sailor Moon | ] |
Okay, guys, I am REALLY sorry but it's becoming apparent that I need to warn you . . . I'm a journal whore. I post . . . like . . . a LOT. So I'm sorry for spamming your friends pages. But this is keeping me sane. I am having a REALLY hard time keeping myself together right now.
Over on LiveJournal (yes, I have one), I'm in a lesbian community which doesn't USUALLY interest me, but someone posted a question that peaked my interest.
have any of you ever really doubted that you're a lesbian?
My response in a comment:
I doubt that I'm a lesbian EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
It's not that I'm sexually ATTRACTED to men. But I do find them attractive and some of them are appealing to look at to me. Granted . . . most of them tend to have extremely feminine features . . . but they're still men. Ultimately, though, I would never EVER EVER EVER willingly have sex with any of these men and enjoy it. Tmi moment here, but I've never been able to get off with a man I've been with, no matter how attractive they were or how I felt about them. The attraction to them confuses me to no end. Every now and then I come across a guy and can't help but think 'he's hot' and then I realize just how wrong that sounds to me when I realize the thought and then end up taking it out of the original context, if that makes sense. Like, when I say "he's hot," I don't mean it the way it sounds.
Overall . . . lesbian is JUST a label to me. I say that if you're not at all interested in having sex with men, you're more or less safe in calling yourself lesbian (at least that's the case for me. I'm not saying that this works for everyone else). Basically, it comes down to whether or not you feel comfortable calling yourself lesbian, I guess. But I doubt each and every day.
So, for now, I am a freaking lesbian and perfectly happy with that. But . . . there's always an exception to every rule, I say. Whether or not that exception makes itself known in this lifetime is another story.
Anyway . . . I rambled A LOT. *hugs* I hope you find an answer you're looking for.
Seriously . . . that's a question I've thought about a LOT. Because some men ARE nice to look at. I can't deny that.
( here's an example - Sakuya would LOVE this )
YES THAT IS A MAN AND HIS NAME IS SHOU. HE IS THE VOCALIST FOR ALICE NINE. LOVE HIM. *cough*
Anyways . . . that is the kind of men I am 'attracted' to. Shou, like many other Jrockers, has a lot of qualities most people I know consider 'feminine'. This might explain the 'attraction'. Don't get me wrong, I can see why some women are attracted to the masculine (for lack of a better word) guys.
While I do have some sort of attraction to men . . . I wouldn't want to have sex with them because it just doesn't appeal to me. In all honesty, it never has. Sleeping with men has never pleased me in any way, and intercourse with a member of the opposite sex has always felt uncomfortable and awkward and, somehow, wrong to me.
The things bringing forth confusion: I was able to develop romantic feelings for a member of the opposite sex. I've been able to see the appeal men hold for other women and can appreciate it. The fact that these two things conflicted the wrongness I felt during sex is what confused me more than anything.
My conclusion: I am a lesbian who can appreciate the appeal of men, but I do not find them sexually appeasing. Is it that way for other people? Hell if I know. Just me.
x-posted to livejournal
EDIT: So Sakuya left a comment on the livejournal entry version . . .
ABOUT THE FIRST THING. Trust me. You're a lesbian. You're a currently unhappy lesbian, but you're a lesbian. Everyone doubts at some points its the human condition of worrying about fitting exactly into one label. I find some women attractive. Youve seen them and drooled. I would never... touch em *makes a face* but still. Trust me. Sometimes Ive worried "Am I truly gay....?" but at the end of the day, the answer has always been.... "yep. Yep I am...."
Now.
As for the pic.
DEAR GOD I DO BELIEVE I HAVE JUST HAD A CUM.
I love Sakuya. I really do. He's one of my best friends XD |
|
|
| copied and pasted from livejournal . . . cuz I'm lazy right now |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|11:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HYDE - Unexpected (English) | ] |
I talked to Jess earlier. I told her that until she wants help and REALLY wants it, I can't be there for her. I told her that I blocked her on msn and planned on ignoring her texts and calls but she could leave me a voice mail when she was ready to get her shit together and I'd consider helping her. Until that day, if it ever comes, though, she won't exist to me. I told her it wasn't fair for her to be pulling the guilt trip of how she doesn't want her problem to be my problem while saying she doesn't want to lose me at the same time. It also wasn't fair for her to expect my help when she KNOWS I can barely handle my own personal problems even with outside help. I can't support her unless she seeks out her own help. I admit that, after she gets on track, I can TRY to help her get through it. Just not now.
And her getting back on track by herself isn't looking likely. The fact that I can recognize that there's nothing I can do does kill me . . . but I can't handle shouldering her problems and potentially succumbing to the same thing (which, given family history with drugs, may or may not be likely). I just can't sit close by while I know she's aware that she has a crack problem and does nothing to help herself. Maybe one day . . . but not now.
My head hurts. And I'm thinking I should go to bed.
In other news, I got a forward on my phone in a text message . . .
'FWD: He still likes you and starting 2morrow he is gonna show u more and more but you have to send this to 9 gurls b4 u lose him.'
WTF IS THIS SHIT? People still send these? XD |
|
|
| drama |
[Jan. 9th, 2009|10:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Linkin Park - Numb | ] |
Okay, so . . . we'll start off my days at deadjournal with some LOVELY personal conflict and drama.
( is behind a cut )
Overall. Just frustrated. Anyway. Long rant that I didn't feel comfortable posting on my livejournal just yet. |
|
|