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[Feb. 17th, 2009|01:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The GazettE - Regret | ] |
So, I haven't been on here at all lately. I stayed the weekend at Chris and Ted's and just . . . emotional rollercoaster and updating livejournal about that was bad enough. I only did that out of obligation to Eileen. I make it a point to be honest with her about everything, including my insecurities because when she finds out she always asks me why I didn't tell her. We're more or less past the insecurity for now.
Apparently Sakuya called the doctor he's supposed to go see again because of the internal bleeding and the pain and whatnot . . . they told him to take vitamins. "Maybe they will help."
WHAT.THE.FUCK.
I officially have no hope for the American health care system. NONE. VITAMINS FOR INTERNAL BLEEDING WHAT FAGGOTRY IS THIS? I understand that doctors need to make a living as well but when someone is DYING it is their OBLIGATION to help them, is it not?
Dear President Obama, PRZ 2 B ATTEMPTING OF THE MAKING OF THE FIXING OF THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM NAO KTHX.
I had more to say . . . but I saw Sakuya's lj post in the midst of writing this and then it took a turn in that direction . . . I'm shaking from a cross between being livid and being fucking scared.
I'll possibly be back after I calm down . . . maybe . . . |
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| I'll admit it . . . I am TOTALLY love-sick. |
[Jan. 21st, 2009|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hide - Flame | ] |
Okay, so I rant about Vandy about as much as I rant and rave and bitch about Jess . . . but this is HARDLY my fault. I blame Vandy for getting to me.
( long and sappy and filled with utter nonsense )
Okay . . . Coconut's done rambling about how love-sick she really is. I mean it, when I fall, I fall HARD. |
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| Sakuya |
[Jan. 15th, 2009|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hide - Celebration | ] |
Okay, so I was talking to Sakuya last night about a LOT of things. I asked him about how to get Jeanine to listen to me and he called me right before I called her. I think that's the only reason I stayed calm while talking to her, to be honest. Sakuya always calms me down. He said that wasn't even the reason he called. He called to give me an example of the calm monotone voice he always uses with me when he's trying to get me to listen to him. Then again . . . Sakuya always says there's a real reason he calls. It was nice hearing his voice, though.
I also talked to him about Vandy. I was supposed to go visit her for two or three weeks at Christmas and that didn't happen because I moved to Idaho. I had been planning that trip since the BEFORE summer and Vandy and I decided that Christmas would be a good time back in September. And then when I came up short with money for the plane tickets, my aunt payed for the round trip. She tried to get her money back when I was going to move, but they wouldn't refund it and instead credited it to my name for a year under the airline. It occurred to me yesterday that I should start seriously thinking about going to visit Vandy. Sakuya so kindly reminded me that he previously said I was going to prepare to see her near February. I had forgotten about that. I talked to my mom about that who's going to call Orbitz tomorrow to see if they're going to honor that or not.
Sakuya and I also talked about my dad. My dad's homophobic and has been for as long as I remember. Like, everytime I talk about Sakuya or mention Vandy and imply that she's more than a friend (I tend to refrain from the last part), my dad will make a snide remark of some kind. Or he'll get a disappointed look on his face. Just . . . it didn't bother me NEARLY as much when I was younger. But now that I see it for what it is . . . *sighs* I always knew my dad felt that way, but I refused to let it bother me. I'm not sure why it bothers me now. Sakuya said "tell him how you feel" . . . but . . . I dunno.
Sakuya: Ask him what is more important.
Sakuya: His views on homophobia..... or him loving and accepting his child for who and what she is? Because which is more damaging to him? Your homosexuality, which does not affect him in any way that he does not bring upon himself...... or his homophobia which throws you into depression and causes you to feel that if your parents cannot love you, who can?
As always. Sakuya is right. He's always right and I can't begin to fathom HOW that works. I just don't know HOW to talk to my dad. I want him to understand that, for me at least, sexuality ISN'T a choice. I didn't wake up one morning and decide "wow, sex with men makes me really uncomfortable" (tmi, I know). IT. HAS. ALWAYS. BEEN. THAT. WAY.
Anyway . . . this is what's been going through my mind for much of today, since I always have an ass load of things to think about after I talk to Sakuya. I've also been thinking a lot about Jess . . . who I am convinced needs to go hide in a hole and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. I am so tired of her trying to call and text me. So tired. |
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| sexuality . . . I finally dealt with the confusion |
[Jan. 14th, 2009|08:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sailor Moon | ] |
Okay, guys, I am REALLY sorry but it's becoming apparent that I need to warn you . . . I'm a journal whore. I post . . . like . . . a LOT. So I'm sorry for spamming your friends pages. But this is keeping me sane. I am having a REALLY hard time keeping myself together right now.
Over on LiveJournal (yes, I have one), I'm in a lesbian community which doesn't USUALLY interest me, but someone posted a question that peaked my interest.
have any of you ever really doubted that you're a lesbian?
My response in a comment:
I doubt that I'm a lesbian EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
It's not that I'm sexually ATTRACTED to men. But I do find them attractive and some of them are appealing to look at to me. Granted . . . most of them tend to have extremely feminine features . . . but they're still men. Ultimately, though, I would never EVER EVER EVER willingly have sex with any of these men and enjoy it. Tmi moment here, but I've never been able to get off with a man I've been with, no matter how attractive they were or how I felt about them. The attraction to them confuses me to no end. Every now and then I come across a guy and can't help but think 'he's hot' and then I realize just how wrong that sounds to me when I realize the thought and then end up taking it out of the original context, if that makes sense. Like, when I say "he's hot," I don't mean it the way it sounds.
Overall . . . lesbian is JUST a label to me. I say that if you're not at all interested in having sex with men, you're more or less safe in calling yourself lesbian (at least that's the case for me. I'm not saying that this works for everyone else). Basically, it comes down to whether or not you feel comfortable calling yourself lesbian, I guess. But I doubt each and every day.
So, for now, I am a freaking lesbian and perfectly happy with that. But . . . there's always an exception to every rule, I say. Whether or not that exception makes itself known in this lifetime is another story.
Anyway . . . I rambled A LOT. *hugs* I hope you find an answer you're looking for.
Seriously . . . that's a question I've thought about a LOT. Because some men ARE nice to look at. I can't deny that.
( here's an example - Sakuya would LOVE this )
YES THAT IS A MAN AND HIS NAME IS SHOU. HE IS THE VOCALIST FOR ALICE NINE. LOVE HIM. *cough*
Anyways . . . that is the kind of men I am 'attracted' to. Shou, like many other Jrockers, has a lot of qualities most people I know consider 'feminine'. This might explain the 'attraction'. Don't get me wrong, I can see why some women are attracted to the masculine (for lack of a better word) guys.
While I do have some sort of attraction to men . . . I wouldn't want to have sex with them because it just doesn't appeal to me. In all honesty, it never has. Sleeping with men has never pleased me in any way, and intercourse with a member of the opposite sex has always felt uncomfortable and awkward and, somehow, wrong to me.
The things bringing forth confusion: I was able to develop romantic feelings for a member of the opposite sex. I've been able to see the appeal men hold for other women and can appreciate it. The fact that these two things conflicted the wrongness I felt during sex is what confused me more than anything.
My conclusion: I am a lesbian who can appreciate the appeal of men, but I do not find them sexually appeasing. Is it that way for other people? Hell if I know. Just me.
x-posted to livejournal
EDIT: So Sakuya left a comment on the livejournal entry version . . .
ABOUT THE FIRST THING. Trust me. You're a lesbian. You're a currently unhappy lesbian, but you're a lesbian. Everyone doubts at some points its the human condition of worrying about fitting exactly into one label. I find some women attractive. Youve seen them and drooled. I would never... touch em *makes a face* but still. Trust me. Sometimes Ive worried "Am I truly gay....?" but at the end of the day, the answer has always been.... "yep. Yep I am...."
Now.
As for the pic.
DEAR GOD I DO BELIEVE I HAVE JUST HAD A CUM.
I love Sakuya. I really do. He's one of my best friends XD |
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chipper