| Jess... |
[Mar. 4th, 2009|12:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sonata Arctica - Replica (2006) | ] |
I don't have it in me to write up about Jess again. I'm copying from LiveJournal.
The thing about Jess last night . . . her cousin left me a voice mail last night. And called me earlier. Jess died. Apparently she killed herself, or that's what I'm told. I didn't ask how. I don't want to know.
I guess in some ways, I pushed her too hard. You can't help people that don't want it. I've known that all along. But that doesn't make it my fault. By the looks of things, she would rather die than make an effort at getting better. That's her choice. I did what I could. What I saw as right.
The part of the story I do know:
She got out of jail and went to her parents somewhere in Wyoming. I'm not sure what she did after that. Apparently she was in rehab and seemed to be doing okay for the week or so that she was there. There were one or two different counties here that were going to go after her for outstanding warrants, I guess and a missed court date a few days back or something. This is just what I was told.
So . . . no more Jess . . . and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. We weren't on good terms, obviously. I mean, I turned her in for drugs . . . that would piss ANY addict off, would it not? And then there's me, who didn't want to be around her while she was using. We haven't exactly been close recently.
Jess . . . technically wasn't my girlfriend. The few times we talked about it, she said "it's not like that. Maybe in the future." We might as well have been together, though. Who knows . . . if things had been different . . . but they're not. I can and will accept that. Honestly, she wasn't the one I truly wanted to be with at this point to begin with.
So there was Derek. Then there was Jess. The pessimist in me sees a fucking pattern. And yet, there's a logical part of my brain and in my gut that is insisting that this concept is ridiculous . . . I'm going with my gut and HOPING that it's right. I can't stand to have this keep happening.
I liked Jess before she pulled her shit. I had some kind of feelings for her, obviously. I miss her. I can't say the word 'love' fits in here . . . but . . . I do miss her.
Despite this . . . something's telling me I am not NEARLY as torn up as I should be. Could be shock. Could be sleep deprivation. Could be the fact that she hurt me too deep for me to properly grieve. I don't know.
I'm sorry, Jess. It wasn't my place to help you. But in some ways, you did help me. I am grateful for that, even if I've just barely managed to forgive you.
In other news: I am applying for a job as a playground aide at the elementary school. My dad's sister was all "OH HAVE SHERYL ANNE APPLY FOR THE JOB SHE IS GOOD WITH KIDS". I'm not a big fan of them half the time, but I really do want this job . . . because I really do want to work with kids. When I admitted this to Vandy, she asked me if I wanted children (we talk about this periodically, but it's always a repeat conversation . . . I think we have too short of attention spans to pay attention to details). She never did answer me when I asked why she brought that up.
So . . . I have to bullshit my way through some essay-like questions on this online application. I'm really hoping I get this job. 4 hours a day isn't necessarily BAD and I'd get weekends off. And spring break. And the summer. It could work quite nicely if I budgeted myself right. And I want to eventually buy a car so my dad can teach me how to drive (his car is a piece of shit that I refuse to learn how to drive in). Then if I wanted to, I could drive to see Vandy. If I can do that before Vandy decides that she NEEDS to come up here . . . it'd take away some unneeded stress on her part.
And then I wouldn't have to worry about relying on my parents to take me everywhere. I wouldn't have to walk in cold-ass weather or blistering heat. I wouldn't be afraid of becoming entirely dependent on Vandy when the time comes for us to at least be roommates (that's been a plan of ours for a long time, now). I hate the concept of driving with a passion. But it's necessary, I suppose. I need to work at being more independent, so I will finish learning how to drive. And I will have my own car. Yes. That is the master plan.
Oddly enough, the MAIN motive behind the driving thing is so I can go visit Vandy if I want to . . . or at LEAST meet her halfway. That'd be nice. Crazy? Perhaps. Do I care? Not in the slightest. |
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[Feb. 17th, 2009|01:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The GazettE - Regret | ] |
So, I haven't been on here at all lately. I stayed the weekend at Chris and Ted's and just . . . emotional rollercoaster and updating livejournal about that was bad enough. I only did that out of obligation to Eileen. I make it a point to be honest with her about everything, including my insecurities because when she finds out she always asks me why I didn't tell her. We're more or less past the insecurity for now.
Apparently Sakuya called the doctor he's supposed to go see again because of the internal bleeding and the pain and whatnot . . . they told him to take vitamins. "Maybe they will help."
WHAT.THE.FUCK.
I officially have no hope for the American health care system. NONE. VITAMINS FOR INTERNAL BLEEDING WHAT FAGGOTRY IS THIS? I understand that doctors need to make a living as well but when someone is DYING it is their OBLIGATION to help them, is it not?
Dear President Obama, PRZ 2 B ATTEMPTING OF THE MAKING OF THE FIXING OF THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM NAO KTHX.
I had more to say . . . but I saw Sakuya's lj post in the midst of writing this and then it took a turn in that direction . . . I'm shaking from a cross between being livid and being fucking scared.
I'll possibly be back after I calm down . . . maybe . . . |
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| V-Day Rant . . . sorry about the excessive cursing XD |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HIM - Buried Alive By Love | ] |
Is it that important to get a valentine for this holiday?
FUCK NO. VALENTINE'S DAY IS FUCKING POINTLESS.
What do you want for valentines day?
See the question above the one above this one.
I don't want ANYTHING for Valentine's Day. If someone is going to be romantic, I want it to be because they WANT to . . . not because they feel obligated over a stupid fucking holiday. I don't believe that there is just ONE day each year to be romantic . . . it should be every day or at least at random because the mood strikes you to do something nice for your sweetheart.
Do you want flowers for valentines day?
Not FOR Valentine's Day . . . we've been over this, fucker.
What is the best gift for someone?
"Showing them you care everyday instead of just Valentines XD"
^ THIS
Why do we celebrate valentines day?
Because people are lazy asses and want to cram all the romance in their life into one fucking day . . . morons.
That's right, bitches. This is Coconut's "Valentine's Day Is Moronic And Stupid" rant. I mean no offense . . . this is just my views on a holiday that I see no point in.
Overall, my reasoning is a simple question. WHY PICK ONE DAY TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' AND BE ROMANTIC? I seriously don't understand it. You go out and buy a mass-produced PINK OR RED box of chocolates that says 'be mine' or something equally as dumb for your girl and here I'm staring at you, shaking my head and wondering 'is this out of obligation for the holiday or do they really mean that?' Buying roses and chocolates for your woman/mandude on V-Day does NOT strike me as romantic. Buying your sweetheart REAL chocolates and HAND-PICKED roses with a handwritten note and leaving them when you leave for work in the morning strikes me as romantic . . . why? Because it's a SURPRISE and you did it just because you felt like it.
A 'Valentine's Day' dinner doesn't strike me as romantic or special, either . . . if you want to go out to dinner or make your darling something special, do it because you're kind and sweet and generous because you want to give them a break from cooking and treat them like they're the greatest thing in the world. Valentine's Day dinners are OVERDONE. Seriously. Everyone does a special dinner for Valentine's Day. Be unique and PICK A DIFFERENT DAY.
Honestly . . . Valentine's Day is WAAAAAAY overrated. When I have a special someone, I like to say and show them how much I love them every chance I get. No, seriously, ask Vandigo . . . she'll tell you that I say 'I love you' WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much. But I mean it more every time. And I wish it could be more than just words, honestly. Going to have to fix that . . . ANYWAYS.
I'm a hopeless romantic, at heart. I like to go out into the middle of nowhere and look at the stars (well, not that I could do that in Seattle, but you get it). I like just sitting in comfortable silence and basking in each other's presence. I like giving little gifts that have more sentimental value than they let on because of what they symbolize to me. I like going out into the garden, if I have one, and picking flowers and surprising my love. I like calling and texting JUST to say 'I love you and I wanted to see how you were doing'. Little things AT RANDOM. February 14th or no, I am spontaneously overcome with the urge to express my emotions towards the person I love. Sue me.
LIKE THAT ONE POST I MADE ABOUT HOW MUCH I BELIEVE I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IN LOVE WITH VANDIGO? YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE? IT WASN'T VALENTINE'S DAY THEN. I WAS JUST OVERCOME WITH EMOTION AND FELT THE NEED TO EXPRESS IT TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Another illustration of I'm not the only one:
I want to be a hell of a lot more than friends with you. Problem with actually doing that right now is the distance. I am, oddly enough, kind of a romantic. I like taking people out to dinner randomly shopping to the middle of nowhere just to look at stars. Theres really only a couple of people I ever did that with, and one of them I was in love with, so yeah. I'm a hopeless romantic. Trust me, if we were within a days driving distance of each other, I'd probably be at your house like all the time cooking for you making sure you sleep and eat snuggling taking you places just cause I can because in all honesty, I WANT to do these things with you and for you. Because I love you. I just need to get the fuck out of colorado first. XD
YES, I KNOW I'VE POSTED THAT BEFORE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE EFFING POINT. The point is, that is, by FAR, the single most romantic ranty thing I have ever heard from someone. And guess what . . . IT WASN'T ON VALENTINE'S DAY PEOPLE. And if Vandigo and I were to have half those things . . . I can assure you that it wouldn't be on Valentine's Day. It'd be because we felt like it (yeah, I am assuming here, stfu).
Now . . . I'm not ranting because "ZOMFG I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING VALENTINE BAWWW". I'm ranting because love shouldn't be restricted to one day . . . you know? "Oh here, honey, I'm buying you flowers and chocolate and this gadget thingy and we're going to dinner because the calendar says to." Does that sound romantic? FUCK NO. I DO NOT WANT THAT.
Here's the thing . . . to me, February 14th isn't JUST another day. It's Vandy's birthday . . . birthdays are a semi-big deal to me. But it's not a holiday as far as I am concerned.
Half of this rant PROBABLY doesn't make any sense . . . but . . . I'm fucking tired, okay.
Oh, and Vandigo, I'm sorry I used you as an example but . . . actually . . . I'm not. I love you <333
ALSO: Am I the only one that notices that if you pronounce "V-Day" wrong it sounds like "D-Day"? FUNNY SHIT. 8D
EDIT: x-posted like a motherfucker because I'm a bitter and spiteful bitch like that. |
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| *shifty eyes* |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|12:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HIM - The Sacrament | ] |
So . . . all day, I've been talking to Vandy on and off about whether or not we're 'just friends' because saying we're friends just doesn't seem to cover it. And it all goes back to what each of us wants . . . I finally told her what I wanted . . . and then she came out with this . . .
"I want to be a hell of a lot more than friends with you. Problem with actually doing that right now is the distance. I am, oddly enough, kind of a romantic. I like taking people out to dinner randomly shopping to the middle of nowhere just to look at stars. Theres really only a couple of people I ever did that with, and one of them I was in love with, so yeah. I'm a hopeless romantic. Trust me, if we were within a days driving distance of each other, I'd probably be at your house like all the time cooking for you making sure you sleep and eat snuggling taking you places just cause I can because in all honesty, I WANT to do these things with you and for you. Because I love you. I just need to get the fuck out of colorado first. XD"
That is the VERY condensed version. GoogleTalk had it so the list was on separate lines since she typed them as she came up with them . . . and I didn't go out of my way to edit it since it's perfect the way she said it.
She . . . and . . . okay . . . I admit to bawling at this point.
Due to lack of proper brain function . . . this entry draws to a close. |
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| I'll admit it . . . I am TOTALLY love-sick. |
[Jan. 21st, 2009|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hide - Flame | ] |
Okay, so I rant about Vandy about as much as I rant and rave and bitch about Jess . . . but this is HARDLY my fault. I blame Vandy for getting to me.
( long and sappy and filled with utter nonsense )
Okay . . . Coconut's done rambling about how love-sick she really is. I mean it, when I fall, I fall HARD. |
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| BOOBS |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|10:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | HIM - Wicked Game | ] |
ur mom will die & u will have bad relationship problems unless u repost as:
SHOCKER!(IF U HAVE A LITTLE DICK)
MAKEOUT- (if you're taken)
HIGH-(if you are confused, and alone)
SEX-(if you like someone but NOT SURE HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT U)
NAKED(if your taken and loving it)
DRUNK (if ur single and not really sure about anything )
BLOODY ROSE -- (you're about to give up and hate life)
COCAINE-(missing your ex)
VODKA- (there's no point in liking the person u like)
WEED- (if ur just taking life as it comes)
COCA COLA-(if u just dont understand relationships at all)
BOOBS-(if ur a ninja turtle!)
KISSING-(if u like someone and they like u but ur not going out)
PENIS(if your reposting this jst becuz penis is a funny word)
SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IN : 1 hour
I saw it on MySpace . . . they're just SO annoying and I absolutely LOATHE them. At the same time, they're funny.
And here is an example of the conversations Vandy and I have in LJ comments . . . one of the more TAME ones, at least. I'm bakacoconut69 and she is vandigo (obviously). And don't mind syncordi . . . he's always been a dork. <<<<<< is a link btw |
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